Learning to Rejoice

Romans 5:3-4
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

Rejoice in our sufferings? Are you kidding me? Rejoice when my husband of 15 years tells me he wants out of our marriage? Rejoice when my best friend treats me like dirt and walks out of my life? Rejoice when my entire life falls into a million pieces when my husband walks out on me for another woman? When I have nowhere to live, no job, no hope of a future?

If you had read me this verse 3 months ago I would have never believed I could rejoice in anything again. My life was in utter despair. I felt worthless and unlovable and alone. I wondered what was so wrong with me that everyone walked away from me. I was struggling to breathe – let alone find God in the situation.

So for the first month, breathing was my goal. Just breathing. That was all I could do. Then month two became about resting in God. Letting Him begin to pick up the pieces of my shattered life because I could not even begin to fathom where He was going with this. Life was so hopeless that I had to trust. I had no other choice if I wanted to survive.

We are coming up on month three. And now I can read this verse. I can read it and claim it and live it. I get suffering. Unlike I ever have before. I understand perseverance. That was the breathing and surviving part- the just staying alive part. And I am emerging different now.

I am in a place where all of my life has been stripped away. Every piece of security I had was gone. And I was left with myself- myself and God. And I learned to be enough just as I am. And to love myself and let God love me in ways I had not begun to fathom before. And my character was forever changed in a way that I can see would never have happened any other way than having everyone leave. All the destructive relationships stripped away so that new ones could be rebuilt.

And now I have found the hope that was promised. I see glimpses of amazing goodness. I feel deeply loved by God and true friends who don’t want me to be anything other than myself.

A friend gave me a song that finally put the whole thing together for me. It gave me the rejoicing part of the verse.

”Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing”

The picture of climbing up in Jesus’ lap and having Him sing over me was the perfect picture that I needed to understand. What else can I do but keep singing? Keep rejoicing? That IS the only way that I will find healing.

Other People's Faith

So I was talking with my counselor yesterday and at the end of our session she said to me that she wanted to read some scripture and pray for me. "Because other people's faith will need to carry you now".

And I thought that interesting. Because several people have asked me where God is in this whole situation. I think they expect me to be mad at Him. Or feel far away from Him.

But the truth is, I feel like He is sitting here with me. Crying with me. Swimming in my pain with me. And He is doing that groaning thing that we hear so much about but I never quite understood until now.

You see, I can't formulate thoughts or concentrate on anything. There is so much going on in my head that I lose focus. I have gotten lost driving around 5 times in the last week. And today I went to Target and somehow when I got to the checkout counter I had 2 identical pairs of black flip flops. Obviously I couldn't pay attention to what I was doing.

So praying comes in bursts. Really it is just crying. Asking God why. Asking God for help. Asking God to hold me. And strange noises that I can only describe as articulations of the deep well of agony in my heart. And He sits with me in that. Not saying much. But what is there to say really? He is just as sad and angry about this as I am.

So when Catherine said other people's faith needed to carry me right now I just shrugged. I thought, "That is nice but God is with me. I am okay."

Then she opened her Bible and started reading from Romans. I don't know what she read really. I don't think it matters. Somehow just hearing the scripture caused tears to well up.

I felt the arms of my Father wrapping around me. I could almost feel myself being cradled to His chest and rocked back and forth.

So that is what she meant. I did not understand it before. Now I do.

Other people will show me God in different ways working in this. Not just the logistics. But the love part. The sorrow. The comfort. The healing.

Even in the midst of this trauma, I am amazed at my Father. He is going to be my strength and my refuge in all of this. He is going to show me what it truly means to be loved and cherished. And He will do it in ways that I can not even imagine. And that is truly what will carry me through.