Not playing the game

This has been an incredibly hard past 48 hours. I have felt more alone than I ever have in my entire life. My kids were gone, it was Christmas and I was surrounded by families and utterly alone. The kids came home tonight from their Christmas with their dad and his "family" which I was surprised to find out included his girlfriend. And as much as I want my kids to hate her, they don't. And that hurts more than anything. It feels like being betrayed all over again.

And they have piles of presents. And his girlfriend spent more on gifts for them than I could. And as much as I know that they are just using money and things to buy the kids love, and I don't need to play that game, a small part of me is worried that it is going to work.

That the fact that I can barely make ends meet and make 1/3 of what my ex makes and haven't even been able to buy presents for everyone that I want to this year is going to make me less fun than him. The kids are going to love him more. They are going to love her.
And I don't want them to love her.

I just don't.

Because the type of person that would steal another woman's husband is not the type of person I want in my kids lives.

And it sucks that I am trying so hard to have integrity and honor and not play the game. I try to be kind to him even though I want him to hurt sometimes. And I sit here alone. With nothing under my tree. With no one to buy me gifts and tell me they love me. And it is so not fair I just cry out to God to please show up. Please.

I don't know how to continue to listen to my kids tell me about her. I just sit and listen and scream inside. What am I supposed to say?

It is not supposed to be this way. How can someone cause so much pain and then just walk away and start another life? Without feeling it at all?

I don't think I will ever understand. And just when I think there could possibly be no more tears left to cry, I find that I have not even begun to tap into them. There is an ocean waiting to flood my soul....