Where do I go with this pain?
I am not okay.
I am sad and broken hearted.
My life is so hard and there are days when I feel like I can not go on.
People ask me how I am….but they really don’t want to know. They want me to say that I am okay. That I am better.
But I am not okay.
I try to be truthful and let people in.
But I only just begin to recite the facts of my life and they start to retreat.
They get that look in their eyes that is so sorry for me.
It is too painful to listen to. They don’t know what to do or say.
And I have not even begun to tell them how I am.
What I am feeling or thinking.I have just started with the facts.
And yes, the facts are sad.
But there is so much more.
So much inside of me that hurts and needs a voice.
But there is no one to listen.
Everyone wants so desperately for me to be okay. Because they don’t know what to do.
So I tell them I will be okay. They don’t have to worry about me.
Because there is nothing to do.
No one can make my ex-husband love me.
No one can keep him from treating me badly.
No one can keep my kids from crying.
No one can go to school for me and get all of my work done and give me more time to take care of myself.
No one can take away the pain and loneliness and sadness and grief.
No one can help me articulate how I am truly feeling.
I had a friend once. Someone who I felt listened to me. Who let me just be. Who I felt could understand me and was not afraid of the hard stuff.
But she left too.
And maybe I was wrong. Maybe I remember it differently than it was. Maybe she did not really listen to me. Maybe she did not love me well at all.
Because obviously I am not a real good judge of that.
But days like today, I really miss her.
I want to call her up and tell her that I am not okay. And have her listen and hear my heart and help me articulate the feelings inside. Because I can’t do it by myself.
And then I remember.
She left too.
She suddenly decided I was not safe.
I was not a good friend.
I was not necessary.
She walked away without looking back and did not even call or email or even acknowledge me when my husband left.
And she knew.
How does someone do that?
Was I that bad of a friend?
Really?
Is that even possible?
I had someone look me in the eyes yesterday.
Someone who I knew understood my pain.
She had lost a baby. One she had bonded with for 9 months. And then lost.
She looked in my eyes and knew.
And did not look away when she saw my pain.
But she is not someone who is my friend.
And although we bonded over pain, she is not there for me.
And I am sad.
And I don’t have anywhere to go with that.
My friend is gone.
My husband is gone.
And he was the one I always went to.
The one who held me in the night and let me cry.
And never walked away.
Where do I go now?
Now that my divorce is final.
Now that he is introducing his girlfriend to the kids.
Now that the kids feel their own father is no longer safe.
Some days it is all too much.
And I cry out to God in the night.
And cry.
And am alone.
And don’t know what to do.
I am sad and broken hearted.
My life is so hard and there are days when I feel like I can not go on.
People ask me how I am….but they really don’t want to know. They want me to say that I am okay. That I am better.
But I am not okay.
I try to be truthful and let people in.
But I only just begin to recite the facts of my life and they start to retreat.
They get that look in their eyes that is so sorry for me.
It is too painful to listen to. They don’t know what to do or say.
And I have not even begun to tell them how I am.
What I am feeling or thinking.I have just started with the facts.
And yes, the facts are sad.
But there is so much more.
So much inside of me that hurts and needs a voice.
But there is no one to listen.
Everyone wants so desperately for me to be okay. Because they don’t know what to do.
So I tell them I will be okay. They don’t have to worry about me.
Because there is nothing to do.
No one can make my ex-husband love me.
No one can keep him from treating me badly.
No one can keep my kids from crying.
No one can go to school for me and get all of my work done and give me more time to take care of myself.
No one can take away the pain and loneliness and sadness and grief.
No one can help me articulate how I am truly feeling.
I had a friend once. Someone who I felt listened to me. Who let me just be. Who I felt could understand me and was not afraid of the hard stuff.
But she left too.
And maybe I was wrong. Maybe I remember it differently than it was. Maybe she did not really listen to me. Maybe she did not love me well at all.
Because obviously I am not a real good judge of that.
But days like today, I really miss her.
I want to call her up and tell her that I am not okay. And have her listen and hear my heart and help me articulate the feelings inside. Because I can’t do it by myself.
And then I remember.
She left too.
She suddenly decided I was not safe.
I was not a good friend.
I was not necessary.
She walked away without looking back and did not even call or email or even acknowledge me when my husband left.
And she knew.
How does someone do that?
Was I that bad of a friend?
Really?
Is that even possible?
I had someone look me in the eyes yesterday.
Someone who I knew understood my pain.
She had lost a baby. One she had bonded with for 9 months. And then lost.
She looked in my eyes and knew.
And did not look away when she saw my pain.
But she is not someone who is my friend.
And although we bonded over pain, she is not there for me.
And I am sad.
And I don’t have anywhere to go with that.
My friend is gone.
My husband is gone.
And he was the one I always went to.
The one who held me in the night and let me cry.
And never walked away.
Where do I go now?
Now that my divorce is final.
Now that he is introducing his girlfriend to the kids.
Now that the kids feel their own father is no longer safe.
Some days it is all too much.
And I cry out to God in the night.
And cry.
And am alone.
And don’t know what to do.
posted by Amie at 10:08 PM
2 Comments:
Hi you probably don’t know who I am. I only know you from what I’ve read in your blog. And I know there’s so much more to you then what you have here. I think that one day I read something random that you had written on relevant mag. And so I decided to check out your blog. So I read. And as I read your blog and was affected by the things you said, just know that it’s been such an encouragement in my life. You are able to put things into words that I can only make sense in my heart. The authentic honesty I read in your words is something that is rare to come by, so thank you for that.
I know you are going through a hard time right now and I can’t say that I can even begin to understand what you’re going through. But I do know that you are known and loved by a God who understands you’re every pain. A Father who is bigger then we can imagine, and who just wants to hold on to you and tell you that you’re loved. I’m not gunna tell you that this is gunna get better real soon, cuz I don’t know. I don’t know that plans that God has for you, and the way He is using all of this. But what I do know is that all this pain and suffering your going through right now is just making you stronger. I often wonder why God lets things happen, but I am continually reminded that He is walking right along side of us every step of the way. So know that you ARE loved by an amazing God. And that the people in your life will fail you at times and that they will not understand what you’re going through sometimes, remember they’re human. But know that even though I might not know you, I’m praying for you (that’s the beauty of the Body of Christ; we are all in it together).My prayer for you is that God puts people in your life to live life with you and who are there through the pains and the joys. May you feel and see that through all this pain that you’re going through, that there are blessings and joys God continually brings into your life. God bless you, and stay strong in the promise that Christ gives to us.
In Him,
Monica
“All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.
So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.
We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Monica-
Thank you so much for your words. They touched my heart and were exactly what I needed today. You are someone I don't even know, and yet you did something that no one else has done yet. You gave me words of truth to cling to.
Thank you.
Amie
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