Going through the Motions

Sometimes I feel as if I am just going through the motions of life.
I am accomplishing all of the multitude of tasks that need to get done.
I am entertaining my children during the long days of summer.
I am throwing margarita parties for my friends.
I am doing lunches and coffees to fulfill all of the obligations I have before I leave.
But in my heart I think I have already left.
I think I have isolated myself.
I have stopped sharing my heart with all but two people. And frankly it scares me to continue to invest in them because I know the minute I leave I might lose what I have invested.
I am scared to go forward. I am scared of the unknown.
And it would be so easy to just give up.
To say the heck with it all and stop trying.
Stop trying to be open and vulnerable with others. Stop sharing pieces of my soul with others. Stop listening and caring.
It takes work and energy that I just do not have.
Especially when all of the work I invested over the past fifteen years in this place seems worthless. I have nothing to show for it at all. I made no difference in the status quo.
And right now that seems easier. To stop.
To take a break from relationships.
To just be a wife and mother.
I wonder if I could live like that.
Or if that would kill my spirit.
I wonder.
And when I find myself going through the motions it is tempting to give it a shot.
Because anything has got to be better than this last year.
This last year that almost buried me in sorrow and heartache and pain.
I don't know.
Right now I have no answers for anything.
So I will just keep going through the motions of life.
And face my fear one day at a time.
And see what comes my way.
And walk cautiously through this next season.
My heart is no longer out there for the taking.
It is behind locked doors right now. And it will take a lot for me to bring it back out in the light. And I think it will be a long time before I do that again.
Because it barely survived the last hit.
And I am not yet recovered.