My Future Husband

So I have found your future husband, my mother said to me about 4 years ago.

To say I was shocked by this statement is to understate things just a bit. My divorce had happened 5 minutes ago it seemed and I was still a raw ball of misery. Breathing in and out still took a lot of effort.

But this was like my mother. Her major goal in life was for her children to be happy and she needed to “fix” me. My mother had just read “Blue Like Jazz”. I think I loaned it to her as she was leaving on a trip. I had tried to get her to read it before because I so resonated with it. Anne Lamott and Donald Miller were both soul mates of mine – we wrote the same way. Anne Lamott swore too much and talked about drinking and sex and that made my mother uncomfortable so imagine my surprise when my mother announced that Donald Miller was in fact my future husband.

He writes like you. And he lives in Portland where we want to retire. He is perfect!

Wow – he is a writer and he lives in a desirable location. You're right – perfect husband material.

I laughed it off as it was SO inappropriately timed. Husbands were not on my mind at the moment. Breathing in and out was all I could focus on.

Fast forward a few months (or years…not sure it all blended together at that point).

I work at Willow Creek Church and one day Donald Miller was coming to speak. I was meeting with a friend in the communications department and told her the Donald Miller husband story, had a good laugh at the ridiculousness of the criteria for a husband and then promptly forgot about it.

About a year later – I ran into my friend in the hall and she said, “your future husband is in town”. I had no idea who she was referring to – and she reminded me it was Donald Miller. It has been a running joke ever since. I tease my mother about it frequently and I have even told other coworkers about it as I have been in contact with Donald’s agent trying to get him to teach a class at Willow. People keep teasing me that I better get him to come soon as spring is fast approaching and that would be the best time for the wedding.

So here it is over 4 years later. This past weekend, my mother bought Donald’s new book. She read it in a day and was dying to talk to me about it. She brought it up at dinner and told me she wanted to talk to me “after I read it”…which is code for there are things she is not too sure about that she wants to discuss. She told my dad she ‘used to think” Donald would be a good husband for me but now is not too sure. He seems to have some issues, she said.

Ha! If waiting for someone without “issues” is the criteria now I have a long wait ahead of me!

I went to a conference yesterday – and guess who was a speaker. Of course, Donald Miller. I have heard him before so I did my usual laugh about the fact that my mom thinks I should marry him to my friends and then sat back to listen.

And now I am wondering…is he supposed to be my future husband?

I listen to him talk and I think – I resonate with that. I think like that. I think this guy might get me.

I picked up his book today and started reading. I can see it. I understand the reason why my mother said that originally – because Donald does write like me. Raw and real – authentic. Not caring how he comes across – insecure, broken…flawed.

I have gotten to the point where each day is not spent just reminding myself to breathe. I breathe freely every day and laugh a lot. But I haven’t really connected with someone on a deep raw level in so long. I have many good friends …but when my husband walked out on me I broke. I stopped believing I was worth someone loving. I have lived with the loneliness of not having a partner for so long…I stopped longing for that.

Maybe I am not meant to marry Donald Miller (although we may actually meet someday since we have some mutual friends). But I think I need to believe again that I am worth someone like Donald Miller. There ARE good guys out there that love God. I am not strange because I see life in stories and word pictures and see Jesus in Dawson’s Creek. It is not wrong to long for love and relationships. I do have value in this story.

I can’t make my story end happily…walking down the aisle with Donald and living happily ever after. However I can put myself out there and believe that love can maybe happen again for me. As scary as it may be.

Beauty out of Ashes

So it has been about 18 months since my husband left. And I no longer write on this blog for reasons already stated.

But the beauty is that several people have found my blog - women who have gone through similar struggles and can relate to the pain and healing that I have found. Some how by simply reading my truth - they are able to relate to my pain and find some small bit of comfort in the knowing that someone else has gone through something similar.

So to all of you out there who read, know this. If you ever stumble upon this blog and want to talk further about my journey - email me. I will listen and hear your pain. I have no real answers, but somehow in knowing someone else has gone through the same thing - the betrayal and deception that comes with affairs...it helps. I don't know how, but it does.

I am definitely on the journey towards healing. There is hope now. There is a relief that comes from being rescued from a hard situation. The days of sadness are still there but they are less than they were before. My biggest learning is that it is so much better to walk in truth than to live in denial. I would much rather know the truth and deal with it than to try to pretend nothing is wrong. Only then can you learn to fly...

amie.carlson@gmail.com

(my husband left on July 2, 2005...posts after that time are directly related to the pain of the affair, the divorce and the loneliness that accompanies it)

No longer blogging

Hey everyone who read my blog

As you can see I no longer write on this blog. The main reason being that I no longer wanted my private feelings and thoughts read by my ex-husband (who would then manipulate and twist them to his advantage).

I also find that I don't have time to slow down and write anymore...which is a shame considering that it is the way God speaks to me most.

But the good news is that I was published for the first time. You can check out the new magazine put out by Relevant called Radiant and see my work. I hope to write more for publication in the future...as soon as I figure out how to find the time.

New Year's Resolutions

It is funny. I have been hearing other people reflect on their past year - posting things on their blogs (anything from top 10 lists of 2005 to key learnings of the year). And everyone is in that new year mode in which you make all of these resolutions to finally do something crazy or finally break that bad habit.
On the radio the other day they were having people call in and tell what one out of the ordinary resolution they had for the year and they were going to check up on them in 2007 and see if they actually did it. Then the DJ (my favorite in Chicago Eric from the Mix) made a comment that his entire resolution for the year 2006 is to stay alive.
You know, he was just kidding, but it resonated with me. It reminded me of that cheezy line from the Last of the Mohicans, "Stay alive, no matter what occurs. I WILL find you!"
That always strikes me as ludicrous because most times you don't have any choice in the matter when it comes to that.
But when I was reflecting on 2006 on New Year's Eve with some friends, one of them summed it up for me. "Amie just wants 2006 not to suck".
And that is what it boils down to I guess. I am relieved 2005 is over. In my entire life it was by far the worst year ever - start to finish. My only hope for 2006 is that I make it through alive.
That is it.
Pretty basic.
I have to start with the basics and work my way up I guess.

The Pursuit of Happiness

My son and I had an interesting discussion about the pursuit of happiness yesterday that made me realize how messed up the American dream is. If life were all about each person's individual pursuit of happiness, there would be no one who is truly happy. Because happiness is not a real tangible thing and the minute you think you have achieved it, it shifts and goes away. You could spend your whole life pursuing happiness and leave destruction in your wake...all the while never achieving anything at all.

My son's comment was that life was all about the pursuit of happiness. Which, when questioned he did not really believe. But it was interesting to talk about with him - someone whose life has been drastically injured due to someone else's pursuit of happiness.

I wonder if his father knows how many lives were affected by his choice to pursue his own happiness. To "choose himself for once" as he puts it. To live so selfishly.

I have friends who went to marriage counseling because of what he did. I have a friend who almost called off her wedding. I know of those who left the church because he was in leadership. I know men who were shattered due to his choice. Who were left questioning his "mentorship" which was based on lies.

And my kids.

They had their lives turned upside down. First they are devastated to find out they are moving to Texas. Then after they have been convinced that this will be good for their family, all of a sudden their father is gone. And they don't have a home. They don't know what their future holds. And they don't know what happened. And they are angry and sad and confused. And they feel lied to and betrayed from both of their parents who promised to never get divorced.

All in the pursuit of happiness.

This is what we embrace in America? This selfishness that destroys?

I would much rather base my life on the pursuit of God. He does not promise that it will be easy. (and I feel pretty qualified to say that at this point) He does not promise that it will be happy.

But He promises to walk with me. He promises to comfort me and be my strength when I have none. He promises that someday I will not have to live on this earth full of trouble anymore.
I would much rather teach my kids to live life in pursuit of God instead of the pursuit of happiness.

But that is just me.

Being alone

Some people may wonder why I write all of this in this blog. It is gut wrenching and sad and personal.
But I have no one to talk to. Absolutely no one to call in the middle of the night.
And writing it down and posting it on some random blog that no one reads does somehow help.
The middle of the night is bad. Although to be fair this entire last two weeks have been bad.
In the last two weeks my phone has rung exactly 4 times. And those 4 calls were in the last 2 days before New Years.
I have been here alone for 2 weeks trying to live through the pain of the holidays. And when my kids are here I have to listen to them talk about her. That other woman who ruined my life.
And tonight I saw her.
Just for a second and just through the window and I would not be able to pick her out of a crowd. But I felt as if all of the air in the world had suddenly vanished. Luckily it was dark because the tears were falling immediately and I was with my kids.
It was like someone had kicked me in the stomach. And I watched them through the window and once again was reminded of the unfairness of it all.
I was the one left. I was the one who did nothing wrong. I was the one who did not give up.
And I am the one alone. I am the one being punished.
He spent every day of his holiday with her. I know this because that is all my daughter talks about. He has not felt this feeling of aloneness at all since he left.
He would argue that he felt that way in our marriage but that is his own doing. He made himself alone. I was always there. I never left and I always loved.
He would disagree and I guess I can't do anything about that.
I know my heart and my truth.
But here I sit. Alone in the dark. Crying out to someone to listen to me.
I guess I thought someone would have realized that I was alone and try and help me through it. With emails or phone calls or visits or invitations.
I did not have expectations that this would happen. But I guess I had hope.
I thought maybe God would love me that way.
But He isn't.
For some reason He is making me go through this alone. And letting me remember every day that my husband left me for another woman. And hear about her and deal with her and see her.
And I don't think I am in any way ready for that.
But maybe you never are. Maybe even 10 years from now it will hurt this much.
But tonight alone in the dark, I just wish someone would see me. And hear my pain and love me and listen to me.
Because I have no where to go with this. God doesn't seem to be listening anymore. He is just sitting back and watching me hurt. And not giving me any answers when I have to sit and listen to my kids. And not having anyone be home when I call them or email them.
Just silence.
And once again I cry out to my husband in the night to comfort me. And once again remember that he is not my husband. And he did this.
And I don't know what to do anymore.

The Story of the Weed

Once there was a couple named Jersey and Geraldine. They'd been together so long, they could barely remember a time when they weren't. But they remembered the moment they fell in love because even though it was a long time ago, it felt like yesterday to them. Or at least yesterday it felt like yesterday, because today they had started to drift apart. And Geraldine knew it was all their house's fault, because the old place was full of problems...like the cracks that let in the cold air in the winter, and pipes that were so squeaky, they played the twilight zone theme every minute. So they decided it was time to move away.

So Jersey and Geraldine started packing away their old things. There was the head of the unicorn he killed to impress her, not knowing it was her favorite flying horse; the broken piece of looking glass that she used to put on makeup, which he said she never needed. But when they checked under their bed to make sure they'd packed everything, they found something strange. There, behind the missing socks, a big ugly weed was growing. And they knew from it's size that it must have been there a while.

They yanked at the weed, they hacked it and burned it, they even tried feeding it Jersey's worst borscht, the one that killed Uncle Tragit. But every time the weed came back, even stronger than before.

Geraldine and Jersey were old and wise. But there was someone in their land who was wiser, and plenty older. Some people thought she was ugly, others thought the warts gave her character, but everybody knew the Answer Hag lived up to her name. Answer Hag told Geraldine and Jersey that if there was any magic that could solve their weed problem, it wasn't something she could give them. It was something they already had, or used to have, and it was right under their noses. Something bigger than an air kiss but smaller than the Lazy Boy she made him throw away. And they wouldn't know what it was until it came along and bit them.

So Geraldine and Jersey searched everywhere for the thing that was missing. Was it the ancient shoes that he wore to their wedding? Was it the lock of her hair that she gave him when they were engaged? It was none of these. And then one day while they were searching the house separately, Geraldine and Jersey met in a hallway and couldn't get by. When he moved left, she moved right. And when she moved left, he moved right.

And pretty soon they realized that they were dancing, and it made them laugh. And when they laughed, they heard the house shake with a strange noise, almost like it was laughing with them. They went downstairs and saw that the noise was the giant weed getting sucked through the floor, inhaled back into the earth. And the more they laughed, the faster the weed went away.

And as the couple danced through the cold night, they felt their house growing warmer and brighter around them. And they knew no other house could keep them as close, so they unpacked their things and they stayed. And they lived happily ever after.

I did not write this. But this resonated with me as a story of what my marriage was like. But the difference was I tried to pull the weed but I couldn't do it by myself. And we did not live happily ever after. And that makes me sad.