The Death of a Friendship

Everyday I hope that she will call.
Everyday I jump every time the phone rings
Thinking that there is no way she would just walk away
From friendship
From me

Aren’t I worth fighting for?

Everyday it becomes more clear
That she is not going to call
Ever
And deep down inside I think I knew that.
And that makes me sad.

I wonder when I will stop hoping.
I wonder when I will stop thinking about her daily
Wondering how she is doing
Wondering if she understands

There are so many reminders everywhere
Will that ever go away?
Or will it just fade to a dull ache?
I don’t know.
I don’t even know if I want it to go away.

Because I still care deeply
And wish it didn’t have to be the way it was
And wish I knew what happened
Because it doesn’t make any sense at all
I wonder what flipped the switch
Where everything that was once good
Suddenly became bad.

My phone stays silent
My inbox stays empty
But my worth is not measured in rings and emails
And I can let go of the need to know why.

It will just take time.
And I have got lots of time.

And maybe someday things will be different
And maybe not.
And the thing is
That is not something I can control

So I daily let go
And let God heal me
And love me
And try to stop listening for the phone call
That will never come.

Try anyway.

Coming to terms

So recently I have come to terms with the fact that I am a writer. I don't know why I dismissed that fact for so long. I think in text, sentences and paragraphs. I craft perfect stories and scenarios in my head. I see analogies in everything from reality television to nature. And lately I have been thinking in poetry as well.

So I have given in. I am a writer. If I go too long without writing anything I feel like I have not accomplished anything at all.

I have felt God pushing me to action on this whole writer thing - especially hard this last week. I have had 2 of the best compliments of my life - from two writers I respect tremendously- in regard to my writing. Random people are telling me to write more. And so I have been seriously looking at what the life of a writer looks like and stopped just playing at it.

So why is it still so hard to actually do something with it? Why is it so hard to put something out there for what feels like judgment? I would so much rather just write on my little blog and if you want to read it and comment - go ahead - and if not I am not being rejected.

But something my writer friend said to me will not get out of my head. "You need to write. The world needs to hear your voice."

That is scary and yet at the same time...is exciting. So I am trying to figure out how to do that. Really do that and not just play around. And I realized that writing is really hard work. But since I am constantly doing it anyway...and it is actually fun for me- why not be serious about it and risk rejection and harsh criticism? Isn't that real life anyway? I can't hide from it - I might as well embrace it and trust God to use it however He wants to.

So here goes. I am jumping in and saying it once and for all. I am a writer.

Let's see what God does now.