Boys on the Side

I remember the first time I saw this movie. It was years ago- I was a young mom on an outing with my mom’s group. And I hated it- we all did. All I remembered about it was that I felt cheated after I saw it because it was completely different than it was advertised. I was disappointed that it was about lesbian love…which is how I understood it back then.

I watched it again today and saw a completely different movie. It is amazing how the years can give you wisdom and help you see things another way.

This was one of the most beautiful pictures of friendship I have seen in a long time. I find I am being drawn towards the world’s view of friendship…wondering if maybe my view of it is wrong or broken. So I love when a secular movie (or book) can give a glimpse of the kind of friendship that I want- that I long for. It gives me hope that it is real and I didn’t just make it up.

The movie is about 3 women who don’t know each other at the beginning but become best friends through hardship and struggle. One of them is a lesbian and in love with another one who has AIDS. The young one is just a girl searching for someone to love her in all the wrong places- which is where the first two started out…they just have the wisdom that years have brought them.

There is a scene towards the end of the movie that caught my attention (because up until then I was only half watching while I played solitaire). The mom of the woman who has AIDS was talking about life and friendships. This is what she said,
“That’s what you get in life – you know. You get whoever you end up with. Whoever is willing to stick by you, fight for you – when everyone else is gone. And it ain’t always who you expect…but you just have to make do.”
At first I didn’t agree with that statement and then the truth of what she was saying sunk in. You really only get to choose how much you engage with friends. You can’t choose how they engage with you…so the trick is to find those friends who are choosing to engage with you and listen to you and work with that.

At the end of the movie there is a beautiful scene that had me in tears. The dying woman finally becomes vulnerable with the gay woman and they realize the depth of their love (which this time I realize is friendship love…not gay love as I judged it before) for each other. The final scene is a party where the dying woman revisits her childhood by singing a song…and can’t finish because she is so weak…so the other woman finishes the song. It was a beautiful tender moment where the words just hung there in the air…
Anything you want – you got it
Anything you need- you got
Anything at all- you got it

This is the picture of friendship that I have in my head…and it soothes my soul to see that it is not a crazy picture. This is a beautiful thing that is entirely possible. I just have to trust myself more and not get disheartened.

A Good Question

My friend Leah asked me a really good question the other day. She asked me why I always wait for someone to ask me how I am doing rather than letting someone know. She wanted to know if it was because I don’t feel like I have any safe people. This was a really good question for me to figure out because I don’t feel like I don’t have safe people. But I have always been the person who sits back and listens to everyone first and waits to be asked my opinion or thought. A big part of that is putting others before myself. I think I am being polite or a good listener or whatever.
But another part of that goes way back to my childhood I think. Kids can be cruel and they were cruel to me. I have so many voices in my head telling me that they don’t care about what I think and I need to be quiet…that I think subconsciously I still default to doing that.
I think that is why I write so much of my feelings. And why I always write in the first person as if I am talking to someone.
Because I am. I am talking to whoever wants to stop and read it. But it has to be someone’s choice to do so…I will not force my thoughts and feelings on anyone. I have been rejected too many times for that.
So I put it out there in writing…because in some small way that is safer for me. I am allowing others to choose. And I can’t just let it all sit in my head because it sometimes threatens to overwhelm me.
But in other ways it is harder. Because people can read it and not respond to what you have said and you are left wondering. Do they care? Did they hear? Did I hurt them with what I said? Do they still want to be my friend after hearing that ugly, broken piece of my soul? Do they still love me?
So I have been trying to talk more about me. I have been trying to be more honest when someone wants to know how I am. And I am letting people into places I normally don’t pay attention to. I am trying to not always worry about how other people will hear what I say – and trust them- because they are safe.
So now the question I ask myself is – where does the writing piece fit in to this? I think I have to still keep writing. I don’t think I can stop. Even when all that comes out is darkness and messiness and brokenness. Because the world makes more sense to me when I write…and no one even has to read it. It helps me figure out me. But I don’t know what I am supposed to do with the writing either…that is the thing that I often just want to keep to myself. But others ask me to share it. So I guess I will keep doing that. Even though it is scary and hard. Maybe it is supposed to be that way.

Solitaire

Have you ever played any of those games that are on your computer? My favorite game has always been freecell. It requires a lot of thought and logic but I am really good at it. They say that every game can be won…and rarely do I lose a game. I don’t usually sit and play freecell…as I usually am working or writing or emailing…but I am really good at it.

But lately all I have been doing is sitting with my laptop on my lap and playing solitaire over and over and over. Solitaire requires very little thought for me. It is almost a mindless game that occupies my hands and some little corner of my brain…but that is it. I find that I can’t stop playing…to the point where I am not doing anything else. I have little sore spots on my fingertips from the mouse on my computer. It is pathetic really.

So today- to mix it up I decided to turn on freecell. The cards lined up on the screen were overwhelming to me. Instead of seeing a challenge or a puzzle to figure out- all I saw was chaos that threatened to envelop me. It was too much. It was too much energy and effort to even try to play the game.

I turned it off and went back to solitaire…where there was only one row of cards and not too many things to think through.

And I felt better. Like this was the only thing I can handle right now.

I have turned off the phone. I am not working at all.

I am just sitting here playing solitaire. For hours.

Solitaire has become a metaphor of my life...

I have to go back to work tomorrow. And I have an inbox full of issues to deal with and people to talk to. And the thought of that overwhelms me right now.

So I am going to play it like a game of solitaire.
One thing at a time.