Where do I go with this pain?

I am not okay.
I am sad and broken hearted.
My life is so hard and there are days when I feel like I can not go on.
People ask me how I am….but they really don’t want to know. They want me to say that I am okay. That I am better.

But I am not okay.
I try to be truthful and let people in.
But I only just begin to recite the facts of my life and they start to retreat.
They get that look in their eyes that is so sorry for me.
It is too painful to listen to. They don’t know what to do or say.
And I have not even begun to tell them how I am.
What I am feeling or thinking.I have just started with the facts.
And yes, the facts are sad.
But there is so much more.
So much inside of me that hurts and needs a voice.
But there is no one to listen.
Everyone wants so desperately for me to be okay. Because they don’t know what to do.
So I tell them I will be okay. They don’t have to worry about me.
Because there is nothing to do.
No one can make my ex-husband love me.
No one can keep him from treating me badly.
No one can keep my kids from crying.
No one can go to school for me and get all of my work done and give me more time to take care of myself.
No one can take away the pain and loneliness and sadness and grief.
No one can help me articulate how I am truly feeling.

I had a friend once. Someone who I felt listened to me. Who let me just be. Who I felt could understand me and was not afraid of the hard stuff.
But she left too.
And maybe I was wrong. Maybe I remember it differently than it was. Maybe she did not really listen to me. Maybe she did not love me well at all.
Because obviously I am not a real good judge of that.
But days like today, I really miss her.
I want to call her up and tell her that I am not okay. And have her listen and hear my heart and help me articulate the feelings inside. Because I can’t do it by myself.

And then I remember.
She left too.
She suddenly decided I was not safe.
I was not a good friend.
I was not necessary.
She walked away without looking back and did not even call or email or even acknowledge me when my husband left.
And she knew.

How does someone do that?
Was I that bad of a friend?
Really?
Is that even possible?

I had someone look me in the eyes yesterday.
Someone who I knew understood my pain.
She had lost a baby. One she had bonded with for 9 months. And then lost.
She looked in my eyes and knew.
And did not look away when she saw my pain.

But she is not someone who is my friend.
And although we bonded over pain, she is not there for me.
And I am sad.
And I don’t have anywhere to go with that.
My friend is gone.
My husband is gone.
And he was the one I always went to.
The one who held me in the night and let me cry.
And never walked away.

Where do I go now?
Now that my divorce is final.
Now that he is introducing his girlfriend to the kids.
Now that the kids feel their own father is no longer safe.

Some days it is all too much.
And I cry out to God in the night.
And cry.
And am alone.
And don’t know what to do.