Just Give Up

Maybe I should just give up.
Relationships are too hard.
Friendships are too hard.
It is too hard to continue to fully invest in others lives.
To love them.
To listen to them.
To be there for them.
And to have them walk away.
For no reason that I can understand.

Does that make me a bad friend?

Does that make me a bad person?

Sometimes I get lost in the lies.
The lies that Satan whispers in my ear.
Just give up.
It is not worth it.
You are doing something wrong.
You are not worthy of having lasting friendships.
People don't really love you.
God doesn't really love you.

Then I get quiet.
I shut out all of the whispers in my head.
The voices that get louder and louder -
especially at 3 am.
I get quiet and listen.
And I hear the truth in the depths of my soul.

The truth is this.
God created me to love.
And my unique gift is loving others well.
I am a lover of people.
I am a friend.
That has always been my ambition in life.
Not to be someone famous.
Not to make lots of money.
Not to make any sort of mark in the world.

Just to be a friend to those who need one.
And that is what God created me to do.
And although it is hard
and although it sucks most of the time
I have to keep trying.
I have to keep loving.
I have to keep being open and vulnerable.
And love fiercely-
while holding loosely.
Because that is my life.
It is what God created me for.

And I can't give up on friendship.
I can't give up on relationships.
Because that is giving up on me.
And that is giving up on God.

So I will keep being a friend.
And I will give up.
I will give up the hurts and the pain.
I will give up questioning why.
And just be.
Be a friend.
Be a listener.
Be me.

Swimming in My Pain

I have this picture in my head. In this picture I am swimming in a river – upstream. I am swimming along strongly for a while…and slowly I am getting tired. I start to flounder around until I can no longer swim…but am just swept away by a strong current. I don’t know how it happens but as I am hitting rocks and rapids the water is getting darker. It is getting black and I don’t know what is happening. Suddenly the current drops me down into a pool of black water and I am trying to swim out of it but the pull of the current is too strong and I am swirling around and around. The black water fills my mouth as I open it to scream so the scream can’t get past my throat. I think I must be drowning.

Suddenly strong arms grab me and I cling to them for dear life. It is Jesus. He has jumped in the black swirling pool with me. I just look at Him and hold on for my very life. Suddenly I realize what this black pool is…it is my pain…we are swimming together in my pain. My pain is strong and ugly and threatening…but somehow with Jesus swimming with me I relax and realize that it is not as big as I had originally thought. It is not as scary with someone in the water with me.
I expect Jesus to pull me out of the water and bring me safely to shore…to some of those green pastures I have heard so much about. But that is not what He is doing. He is just holding me in the midst of my pain…keeping me afloat. After a while – the water stops filling my mouth and I am able to voice one word…no longer a scream…just a quiet word, help. Looking into His eyes I know He has been waiting for me to ask…but knew that I had been unable to before.

Jesus slowly starts to swim with me in tow. I think He will head towards shore immediately but He doesn’t. I realize that He is swimming me all around the waters of my pain. We swim through each little bit and as we do the water starts to clear. The ugly blackness has faded…and while the water is not clear…it has faded to a cloudy haze- no longer as threatening and no longer as scary.

Finally after what seems like a long time, He brings me into shore and pulls me up on the bank where I lie…completely spent. I have no energy to swim anymore or even to speak…I am just comfortable lying on the shore above my pool of pain with Jesus.

After a while I work up the energy to ask Him why. Why didn’t He just rescue me right away? Why did He make me stay in the waters with Him so long?

“Because I wanted you to see.” He said. “I wanted you to see that I am with you in the midst of your pain and it doesn’t scare me. It is not as overwhelming and powerful as you thought. I wanted you to realize that even though it is tiring and takes a lot of energy…swimming in your pain is not going to take your life. And bringing me and others into your pain actually lessens it. You will notice that it did not fix the pain completely and it is still down there – but it is no longer drowning you. And anytime you ask I will come in and swim with you. It might not be the best for you to get out of the pain right away – and I know that is hard to understand. But I PROMISE I will always swim with you and I needed you to see that it is not so scary when you are not alone.”

I lie back in the grass and close my eyes…still breathing a little heavily but definitely starting to relax. I reach out my hand and close it around His. I relish in the comfort of the warmth of Him next to me and drift off to sleep…knowing that He will be there when I wake up.