Welcome

Welcome to my new website...where I hope you read and respond to whatever ramblings I happen to be rambling about.

In My Beginning

When I was younger, I so wanted to be in the “in crowd”. You know the ones. The kids that everyone wanted to hang out with. The ones that “set the trends”. In my high school they were the ones who wore Guess jeans and IZOD shirts.(I know that gives away my age…I was a child of the 80’s!). They had a lot of money and threw wild parties. They all looked the same…like cookie cutter people. And I so badly wanted to be just like them.
But the thing is…I wasn’t just like them. I was different. I did not like large crowds and wild parties…I preferred one on one time with friends. I did not own any Guess jeans (have you heard of Kmart?)…and we definitely did not have a lot of money. I worked at Burger King and sang in the choir…not exactly popular material. I used to hate those differences. I used to try to fit myself into the mold I thought would make me like everyone else. But the problem was that no matter how hard I tried to make myself like them…the more obvious it became that I was different. And I thought that there must be something wrong with me.
But then I discovered Psalm 139 where it tells me that God created all of those differences in me. He did not want me to be exactly like everyone else. As a matter of fact in verse 14 it tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. It says in verse 13 that God was there creating me – each and every facet of me- from the very beginning. He created my inmost being. That is those things that make me who I am…my personality, my strengths and weaknesses, my gifts and talents…even my doubts and insecurities. Verse 16 tells me that my days are ordained…already planned out. He created each piece of me for a specific purpose that I am here on earth to fulfill. Psalm 139 just goes on and on – telling me that he knows everything about me…from the moment I was conceived until my last days.
That is an amazing thing to realize. And an even harder thing to embrace. All of those things that I do not like about myself were created by God exactly for me. What do you do with that? I guess for me…the answer is again found in Psalm 139. The whole psalm is a prayer asking God to search our hearts and find out where our focus is. In high school my focus was being in the “in crowd” – but that brought me nothing. What if I made my focus God? What if I made my focus to have him lead and guide me daily?
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
It has been years since high school and I am still learning how to embrace who I am. I have been slowly learning who God has made me. I am introverted – so I like to spend time alone and with just a few close friends. This makes me a really good listener. I am okay with that. I have taken personality tests and strength finders to learn about who I am. I have realized through these things that although I don’t like large crowds…I love to write. Instead of beating myself up because I am not out partying…I have been loving my quiet times where I can write. Other people have been reading my writings and have told me how blessed they are by it. This has been an enormous step in me accepting who I am. I can see that maybe the way God wired me up is for a reason. Maybe He does know what He is doing after all!
Challenge: Make a list of all of the things that are unique about you. Then pray through Psalm 139 and thank God for all of those things. Ask Him to show you how those things that make you unique can be used for his glory. In your job. In your relationships.

Just a Glimpse of God By Amie Carlson

Okay, I will just admit it. I am pretty mad at God right now. I feel like I am busting my butt trying to do everything for Him and He keeps taking things away from me and kicking me while I am down.
I have been running on empty for so long now and I am so tired. But I keep trying. I keep putting in the work to follow God…I keep seeking His will and His ways…and it is so hard. So hard when so many things are not going my way. So hard when I am lonely and feeling unloved.
I feel so far away from Him. I need Him to remind me that He is bigger than me and my problems. I have lost sight of Him in the midst of my busyness and sadness and loneliness. I can’t keep following someone I cannot see.
The only place I have consistently found God is in nature. I can never deny the presence and power of God when I stand in the midst of His majestic mountains or feel the wind on my face. Today was a hard day…and I just needed to get outside…into nature to look for God. I got in my car and started driving. I looked out the window and saw the mountains. They were so far away and they looked so small. For the first time I was struck with the thought…is God so far away to me that He seems small? Is His power diminished in my life? Has he retreated from me? Has He left me to deal with this life all by myself? Does He even care at all?I was completely broken. I have been longing for God so much and to feel Him so far away was devastating. Despair washed over me. I felt lost. I felt alone. I wondered if this whole journey was worthless. I wondered if God really had a plan for me. I wanted to give up…but instead I just cried.
I cried for myself. I cried for the pain I was feeling. I cried for the loneliness and heartbreak. I cried out to God and pleaded with Him to show me a glimpse. I needed to see Him working. I needed to feel His love.
Somehow I got through the rest of the day…don’t ask me how. I felt as if I was wading through quicksand and each step forward took all of my effort.
Later that night I went outside into the cold night air to clear my head. I stepped outside and looked up. It was completely dark and I was almost blinded by the stars. I had never seen so many stars…they surrounded me…they enveloped me. The stillness of the air and the brightness of the stars completely overwhelmed me.
This was God. This was MY God. He was in the stars and the sky. He was surrounding me. He was so completely powerful I was again broken. But this time I was broken by this glimpse of his vastness. He was not a small God at all…He was huge. He was bigger than anything I could ever imagine.
Were all my problems fixed? Did my pain and sorrow magically disappear? Honestly no.
I am still sad. I am still unsure of the future. I am still floundering around trying to find my place…trying to feel secure. But one thing I know…God loves me. He is big enough to figure out my future and my life and I trust Him. So I will keep on walking one foot in front of the other. And maybe someday the steps will get easier. Maybe someday I will even start to run.