Wonderings

I wonder so many things.
I wonder if you ever even think of me or if you are mostly just glad to be rid of me.
I wonder what you tell people about me.
I wonder how you view our marriage.
I wonder if you will ever tell me any of those things.

I wonder if you have regrets yet.
I wonder if you ever will.
Or if you will always just be relieved that you got out relatively intact....just a few dollars poorer.

I mostly wonder why you guard your true feelings so tightly.
Why you won't answer my questions.
Are you afraid of your own answers,
Afraid they won't hold up to the light?

I wonder why you have never asked for forgiveness.
Do you feel like you don't deserve it?
Do you feel like being repentant will ruin this false world you have created?

Well, I want you to know something.
I have told you I am sorry for all the ways I did not love you well.
And I have told you I still pray for your happiness.
And that is very true.
But I want you to know that I forgive you.

And while I am deeply sad for the destruction of our marriage.
and I never would have left you
ever
and I would have loved you forever

I will survive
and I am happy in the safety that is our household.
The kids and I
I haven't lived somewhere safe in a long, long time

I am not waiting around for you to tell me what happened.
But I would listen if you ever wanted to tell me.
But I wanted you to know you are forgiven
and there is healing
whether you care or not -
whether you feel it or not.

I deserve someone who will love me
put me first and not the kids or themselves
I deserve feeling safe in that love
without constantly wondering when it will be taken away
I deserve feeling like I am enough
Just me - as I am
Without having to change everything about myself

Do I think that love will ever find me?
Not really
but I am enough without someone else
I don't need someone else to give myself worth

This is what I have learned the last few months
In a twisted way - this is the final thing you have given me
I won't thank you for it because I know I was on the road to learning that already.
But I wanted you to know.