Trying to Cry

My friend Doug was talking tonight about a time in his life when he knew he had feelings and emotions, but he could not actually feel them. He was almost dead inside.

I can resonate with that.

I feel as if I am outside myself…detached. I know how I should feel. I should feel sad. I should feel overwhelmed. I should feel devastated. And to some extent I do feel those things. But I can’t really feel them. They are just there – lying dormant inside of me.

I know that is not healthy and have tried to get in touch with those feelings. I have tried to make myself cry by making myself talk about some things that are hard. But I find myself just reciting the facts with no real emotion. This is just the way it is.

So I tried to watch some sad movies to make myself cry…maybe I could cry for someone else and that will turn the tap on and start the flow. No luck.

I tried listening to lots of sad songs. No luck.

Today I was asked over and over again how I really was doing …and I made myself tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth-with no masks, no editing…hoping to stir up something in there. But I only succeeded in making two other people cry at the sadness of the circumstances. And that tapped me a little bit. I felt a little stir as I watched tears fall down the face of a dear friend who was empathizing with my pain. But not the tears I had expected.

Then the most surprising thing happened. Something I did not expect. I saw a flash of a picture that brought all of the pain right to the surface. In the circumstance I was in it was completely unexpected…and I was not prepared to steel my heart for it…and it ripped the wound open so fast I actually gasped out loud and my husband grabbed my arm to steady me. It was a 2 second flash of a picture and it was as if someone had stabbed me straight in the heart.

It surprises me how fresh the wound is – as if it happened just yesterday.

Where is Jesus in this? I feel Him here. I actually can feel Him crying for me too…but don’t know how to grieve this properly so I can heal. I don’t know how to cry. I don’t know if I will never cry again or if someday the force of all of the pent up emotions will erupt and knock me flat.

It is not as if I can’t feel happiness and joy…I feel those feelings everyday. I feel loved and cared for every day. I laugh every day…sometimes all day. But the dark side is there too…and it isn’t going away by ignoring it…but I don’t know how to feel it either. Maybe the stab of pain tonight will be a beginning. Maybe I will begin to be able to feel and cry again soon. But in the meantime… I will continue to let others cry for me. Because in some strange way – it helps me.