Being alone
Some people may wonder why I write all of this in this blog. It is gut wrenching and sad and personal.
But I have no one to talk to. Absolutely no one to call in the middle of the night.
And writing it down and posting it on some random blog that no one reads does somehow help.
The middle of the night is bad. Although to be fair this entire last two weeks have been bad.
In the last two weeks my phone has rung exactly 4 times. And those 4 calls were in the last 2 days before New Years.
I have been here alone for 2 weeks trying to live through the pain of the holidays. And when my kids are here I have to listen to them talk about her. That other woman who ruined my life.
And tonight I saw her.
Just for a second and just through the window and I would not be able to pick her out of a crowd. But I felt as if all of the air in the world had suddenly vanished. Luckily it was dark because the tears were falling immediately and I was with my kids.
It was like someone had kicked me in the stomach. And I watched them through the window and once again was reminded of the unfairness of it all.
I was the one left. I was the one who did nothing wrong. I was the one who did not give up.
And I am the one alone. I am the one being punished.
He spent every day of his holiday with her. I know this because that is all my daughter talks about. He has not felt this feeling of aloneness at all since he left.
He would argue that he felt that way in our marriage but that is his own doing. He made himself alone. I was always there. I never left and I always loved.
He would disagree and I guess I can't do anything about that.
I know my heart and my truth.
But here I sit. Alone in the dark. Crying out to someone to listen to me.
I guess I thought someone would have realized that I was alone and try and help me through it. With emails or phone calls or visits or invitations.
I did not have expectations that this would happen. But I guess I had hope.
I thought maybe God would love me that way.
But He isn't.
For some reason He is making me go through this alone. And letting me remember every day that my husband left me for another woman. And hear about her and deal with her and see her.
And I don't think I am in any way ready for that.
But maybe you never are. Maybe even 10 years from now it will hurt this much.
But tonight alone in the dark, I just wish someone would see me. And hear my pain and love me and listen to me.
Because I have no where to go with this. God doesn't seem to be listening anymore. He is just sitting back and watching me hurt. And not giving me any answers when I have to sit and listen to my kids. And not having anyone be home when I call them or email them.
Just silence.
And once again I cry out to my husband in the night to comfort me. And once again remember that he is not my husband. And he did this.
And I don't know what to do anymore.
But I have no one to talk to. Absolutely no one to call in the middle of the night.
And writing it down and posting it on some random blog that no one reads does somehow help.
The middle of the night is bad. Although to be fair this entire last two weeks have been bad.
In the last two weeks my phone has rung exactly 4 times. And those 4 calls were in the last 2 days before New Years.
I have been here alone for 2 weeks trying to live through the pain of the holidays. And when my kids are here I have to listen to them talk about her. That other woman who ruined my life.
And tonight I saw her.
Just for a second and just through the window and I would not be able to pick her out of a crowd. But I felt as if all of the air in the world had suddenly vanished. Luckily it was dark because the tears were falling immediately and I was with my kids.
It was like someone had kicked me in the stomach. And I watched them through the window and once again was reminded of the unfairness of it all.
I was the one left. I was the one who did nothing wrong. I was the one who did not give up.
And I am the one alone. I am the one being punished.
He spent every day of his holiday with her. I know this because that is all my daughter talks about. He has not felt this feeling of aloneness at all since he left.
He would argue that he felt that way in our marriage but that is his own doing. He made himself alone. I was always there. I never left and I always loved.
He would disagree and I guess I can't do anything about that.
I know my heart and my truth.
But here I sit. Alone in the dark. Crying out to someone to listen to me.
I guess I thought someone would have realized that I was alone and try and help me through it. With emails or phone calls or visits or invitations.
I did not have expectations that this would happen. But I guess I had hope.
I thought maybe God would love me that way.
But He isn't.
For some reason He is making me go through this alone. And letting me remember every day that my husband left me for another woman. And hear about her and deal with her and see her.
And I don't think I am in any way ready for that.
But maybe you never are. Maybe even 10 years from now it will hurt this much.
But tonight alone in the dark, I just wish someone would see me. And hear my pain and love me and listen to me.
Because I have no where to go with this. God doesn't seem to be listening anymore. He is just sitting back and watching me hurt. And not giving me any answers when I have to sit and listen to my kids. And not having anyone be home when I call them or email them.
Just silence.
And once again I cry out to my husband in the night to comfort me. And once again remember that he is not my husband. And he did this.
And I don't know what to do anymore.
posted by Amie at 8:52 PM
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