Wednesday, May 18, 2005

And This is My Story

All good stories start with “once upon a time”. Once upon a time there was a little girl. God loved this little girl so much. He placed her in a family that taught her about Him at an early age. When she was 4 years old this girl realized that God loved her and wanted to forgive her for all of the times she messed up daily. For a long time- all through her childhood…that is how she saw God. He was the one who she went to tearfully time and time again when she messed up. She was always trying to live up to the impossible standard that she set for herself. After all- she was a Christian…so when she did something wrong -than it was worse than if someone who did not know better did, right? She was WILLFULLY defying God. She had it all figured out in her head…the different levels of sin…and she was the worst offender because she could not do everything right- no matter how hard she tried.

Junior High was an especially tough time for her. She spent so much time and energy trying to fit in with all of her friends. There was a hole in her heart that longed to be filled by a good friend. Because she had so many standards in her head of how she “should” be – she expended a ton of energy trying to be like everyone else. She would do anything to fit in and feel loved by someone else…even if it meant lying and changing who God made her to be. This always backfired in the end and she would end up alone and sad…and worse- would feel that she was a failure to God for all of the compromises she made. She felt like God was disappointed in her. She sometimes took out that anger and frustration on God…and hated the person He created her to be.

High school was more of the same for her…only this time she had been so broken and bruised by her friends in junior high…that she did not let herself be known by anyone. It would be better to be alone than to feel like no one wanted to love you, she thought. She had moved to a new place and no one knew her. It would have been a good time for a new start…but she still found herself falling into the same patterns as junior high. Envying others for what she did not have and trying to fit into some impossible mold that she was not. Then crying out to God to fix her, make her different. God kept walking with her this whole time. He kept trying to show her that He was the only one that could fill that hole in her heart. But she was stubborn and did not listen. She wanted to have someone on earth choose her and love her. She wanted to finally feel like she fit and belonged somewhere.

When she was a junior in high school she met a boy. He was the first person who had ever pursued her, chosen her, loved her. Now- this boy had his own issues (don’t we all) and we won’t get into those (that is another story!). And their relationship was characterized by both of their brokenness and wanting to feel loved. Maybe they weren’t the best for each other- but they did not care. They both longed to feel loved and they were going to have that in each other. They tried to keep God in their relationship- but you know teenagers. Hormones are raging and when it is late at night and you want to feel loved- things happen that might not be in God’s plan. One day after this girl graduated from high school – she woke up. She realized that she had made some bad choices and that God was probably very sad. She gave back the engagement ring that the boy had given her and went to college. Vowing that this would be a new start in her relationship with God- knowing that He loved her and did not want her to walk outside of His will- feeling forgiven and renewed.

What a shock it was just a few weeks later when she realized that all the hopes and dreams and plans she had for her life up until this point now had to change. She was now experiencing the consequences of one major mistake that she made. She had messed up again and would forever pay the consequences. And this was the most public mistake she could have made- especially going to a small conservative Christian college. There was no hiding this mistake. Everyone was going to know. The shame and humiliation and despair were overwhelming. She felt utterly alone. She was mad at God. How could he do this to her? She had said she was sorry. She had made changes and was truly repentant and now He was punishing her.

There are not a lot of words to describe what happened next. She had to leave college and endure the disappointment of her parents. She married the boy and withdrew as much as she could from life. She constantly wanted to hide. She was never going to fit anywhere now. There was no use in trying. She gave up.

But God is so good. He knew what would happen all along and used her sin to make good things. She just had to hang in there to hear the end of the story.

He brought her to a good church where she started to learn about grace. She learned about how God did not hold her sins against her. He actually loved her despite them. He loved her because of them. She gradually started to trust people again. She started working at the church and started making friends. She started to have a little bit of confidence in herself and how she was wired up. She made a friend and started hanging out with her. She did not share much of herself with her- but had fun and that was a start.

She still felt like she had to fit into some mold and be what everyone else was. And God did little things along the way that were hard at the time…but in retrospect she could see how he was breaking down those walls. She had to endure two different seasons where she was accused of horrible things by people- untrue things that she had no defense for. But instead of hiding again as she would have in the past- she decided to go to God with those hard things and lean on him. She faced the accusations head on and sought reconciliation. Both of those times taught her that other people’s opinions don’t matter much. Not everyone is going to like you or really see you. But you need to be open and vulnerable and let people in. Hiding from the world was not the answer.

After a time God asked her to take a risk. To get out of her comfort zone. She was ready now and He had a big plan. She took a trip to Mexico and God really opened her eyes to a lot of things. That trip has stories of its own to be written another time- but one good thing came out of that. God impressed upon her heart a love for the women of Axis (twenty-something ministry at her church). She wanted to use the gifts of leadership and encouragement that she had been given to build into them.

She went into Axis completely unselfishly- not expecting to get anything out of it for herself. But God loves to surprise his children with good things. He is like that. It took some wrong turns along the way but for the most part- her time in Axis was spent learning how to love herself. Learning that she could be exactly who God made her to be- and that she could still be loved. She could even be chosen.

Several people entered her life that wanted to be her friend. She was able to be real with them. She was able to fully love on them and for the first time- truly experience what it felt like to be loved in return- with no strings attached and no expectations. She was able to relax and let her guard down for the first time in a relationship. And through that she has learned how to relax and lean on God.

To fully trust Him with her heart.

You see- she had been afraid to give it to Him before. She was afraid of what would happen- what He would make her give up, what He would take away. But things are not always what they seem. Sometimes when something seems to be taken away- it actually gets stronger or makes you stronger.

Now the girl is entering a new time. She has learned so much over the last 32 years. God has taught her enough lessons to fill a large novel (luckily you get the condensed version!).

What is in store for this next chapter? It is hard to say. But a page has definitely been flipped. This is a new era and God has many plans. The journey is not even half over. It seems that this next era will be another deepening time. Deepening the relationship she has with her heavenly father as she will need to lean on him. Tackling some lingering issues that she has. Learning how to feel chosen and loved- even when it doesn’t “feel” like she is. But there is no doubt that it will be an adventure- and she is up for the challenge.

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